My struggle with Post partum depression and anxiety.

Having a baby is a beautiful time. Your doctors warn you about PPD and you think how on earth will I be able to be depressed when I will have such a cute baby? I got to hold my cute baby. I was exhausted, in pain, and kind of crazy feeling from the medications I was on. Most of the time at the hospital she spent with Jared. We took her home. I still felt just horrible. Peyton had jaundice so we had to keep her in a suitcase with lights on our coffee table. All I could do all day was stare at her and cry and wish I could hold her. Then our breastfeeding hit a brick wall, I just wasn't making enough and we had to get rid of the jaundice. Jared took her in the other room and she sucked down a bottle of formula while I cried in the living room. I hated being a mom. I wasn't even good at it, I couldn't even supply her with food and she was sick and I felt like it was all my fault. And Jared didn't understand what the big del was, it was just formula.

After that struggle was over it was on to the next. Peyton would cry for hours at night. Mostly stomach problems that I couldn't do anything to help. I would just cry with her. I was so severely sleep deprived. I was sad, I was angry I just needed a nap. And on top of having a new baby we were having financial problems. Most of my pregnancy we were broke, like thisclose to starving broke. Things were still very tight while we waited for salary to start. All of this and packing to move...and not even knowing where. I was under so much pressure I thought I would explode. Instead I kept it all in not wanting to stress Jared as I knew he had a lot on his plate too. And I had to keep a brave face for Peyton.

It was a very dark and lonely time. My pride and assumptions that all of these feelings were normal kept me from reaching out. I really wish I had. The effect that even having someone to talk to would have had. I now have to look back on what should have been a wonderful time, as a terrible time filled with sadness and stress.

Once we moved and a lot of the stress was taken away, my depression seemed to fade away. However it had turned into a severe anxiety. I worried constantly about SIDS, someone breaking in, crazy almost impossible catastrophes and feared impending death. I couldn't sleep, I hardly ate. As soon as the sun went down I was a different person. Every sound made me anxious. My stomach would be in a knot until Jared made it home. I was terrified to even leave the living room until he got home. Once it was bed time, I could never sleep. If I wasn't checking Peyton's breathing I was listening, looking at the crack of light in the door just imagining the worst. When i did sleep it had to be facing the door, just in case i thought. When i got up in the middle of the night i would be terrified.i was Driving myself completely mad.
I have prayed about my anxiety for a few weeks mow. And I am relieved to said, the last 3 nights I have slept(besides the baby of course) great. I am no longer intensely worried and crazy feeling.

I wanted to share my story so others don't feel alone. I know I truly believed I was alone in these feelings and that I was supposed to be happy and that something was wrong with me. Just reach out for help....a doctor, family member, or a friend. Just talk to someone and don't let it take over what is supposed to be a special time. It is hard to admit that you need help and it is so much easier to just think you can wait it out. But this disorder can be dangerous and even deadly if left untreated. Reach out, ask for help. Do it for your baby. Do it for yourself.