Possibility

So we got some possibly amazing news tonight. Jared absolutely hates his job here. He has been so miserable. We both hate being so far away from everyone.  And I really dislike this place pretty strongly.

Jared's friend may be able to get him a job where he would make more money and work less as a whole and we could move back home! The absolute only 2 downsides are that he will be working a dangerous job and he will be gone 3 weeks at a time to be home 3 weeks at a time. I really will miss him like crazy for 3 weeks! But having him home 3 solid weeks will be amazing! Peyton will actually get to spend time with her daddy other than a kiss good morning and a kiss good night and seeing him one day a week. I will get to see him more, and see him happyvwhich makes me happy. Ah I so hope he gets it!!! The three weeks wouldn't be as bad either because we would live by family and friends that could visit!!!

My struggle with Post partum depression and anxiety.

Having a baby is a beautiful time. Your doctors warn you about PPD and you think how on earth will I be able to be depressed when I will have such a cute baby? I got to hold my cute baby. I was exhausted, in pain, and kind of crazy feeling from the medications I was on. Most of the time at the hospital she spent with Jared. We took her home. I still felt just horrible. Peyton had jaundice so we had to keep her in a suitcase with lights on our coffee table. All I could do all day was stare at her and cry and wish I could hold her. Then our breastfeeding hit a brick wall, I just wasn't making enough and we had to get rid of the jaundice. Jared took her in the other room and she sucked down a bottle of formula while I cried in the living room. I hated being a mom. I wasn't even good at it, I couldn't even supply her with food and she was sick and I felt like it was all my fault. And Jared didn't understand what the big del was, it was just formula.

After that struggle was over it was on to the next. Peyton would cry for hours at night. Mostly stomach problems that I couldn't do anything to help. I would just cry with her. I was so severely sleep deprived. I was sad, I was angry I just needed a nap. And on top of having a new baby we were having financial problems. Most of my pregnancy we were broke, like thisclose to starving broke. Things were still very tight while we waited for salary to start. All of this and packing to move...and not even knowing where. I was under so much pressure I thought I would explode. Instead I kept it all in not wanting to stress Jared as I knew he had a lot on his plate too. And I had to keep a brave face for Peyton.

It was a very dark and lonely time. My pride and assumptions that all of these feelings were normal kept me from reaching out. I really wish I had. The effect that even having someone to talk to would have had. I now have to look back on what should have been a wonderful time, as a terrible time filled with sadness and stress.

Once we moved and a lot of the stress was taken away, my depression seemed to fade away. However it had turned into a severe anxiety. I worried constantly about SIDS, someone breaking in, crazy almost impossible catastrophes and feared impending death. I couldn't sleep, I hardly ate. As soon as the sun went down I was a different person. Every sound made me anxious. My stomach would be in a knot until Jared made it home. I was terrified to even leave the living room until he got home. Once it was bed time, I could never sleep. If I wasn't checking Peyton's breathing I was listening, looking at the crack of light in the door just imagining the worst. When i did sleep it had to be facing the door, just in case i thought. When i got up in the middle of the night i would be terrified.i was Driving myself completely mad.
I have prayed about my anxiety for a few weeks mow. And I am relieved to said, the last 3 nights I have slept(besides the baby of course) great. I am no longer intensely worried and crazy feeling.

I wanted to share my story so others don't feel alone. I know I truly believed I was alone in these feelings and that I was supposed to be happy and that something was wrong with me. Just reach out for help....a doctor, family member, or a friend. Just talk to someone and don't let it take over what is supposed to be a special time. It is hard to admit that you need help and it is so much easier to just think you can wait it out. But this disorder can be dangerous and even deadly if left untreated. Reach out, ask for help. Do it for your baby. Do it for yourself.

Things no one tells you about being a mom

There are things about being a mommy that no one tells you about.
The weeks of feeling like you were run over by a semi.
The 2 am I-have-no-idea-why-this-kid-won't-stop-screaming-so-I'm-just-going-to-lay-down-and-cry-with-her.
The realization that you may never have the time to shave both of your legs in full again.
The 4 am ridiculous daddy sneeze that scares the hee-bee jee-bees out of baby so you have to rock
her for 30 minutes before she's convinced the world will carry on after all.
The proud sense of accomplishment when you suck a giant booger out using that little blue bulb. How very cranky you will be when they wake you up early in the morning and how quickly it disappears when you see the big smile on her face.
How many outfits they go through a day.
How many outfits you go through a day.
The different colors and consistencies of poop you will google.
How rocking your baby medium paced in your arms in the bathroom in front of the mirror with the blowdryer on high and the water running can quiet a fussy baby.
The heartbreak you will experience when they have to get shots.
It will now take you at least an extra hour to leave the house.
Baby socks? Don't bother.
How hilarious baby farts are.
And of course, how much you will love your baby,it's unreal.

Me time

Me time. These days it's what I call a shower. And it's best if I wait until daddy gets home to take it. For some reason me being in a shower causes Peyton to have an emotional breakdown. I end up with one shaved leg, soap on my arm, soapy hair, sopping wet trying to comfort her. Its a mess. But on the days that I wait, it is the most relaxing 20 minutes of my life. Today... I sstill have conditioner in my hair.

What a few days!

What a day...or a few days rather. The in laws came up on Saturday. I love when they come to visit! His family has taken me as their own and I love them for it. Jared went to work while we went to Mount Scott. I had only been to Mount Scott once before. With my grandparents and Robbie. So being there was slightly painful just because of the memories. I do remember being terrified on the drive up, as I was this time. Its so scary to look over the edge...in a car. Jacob and Jack, Jared's little brothers loved it. It was adorable. Peyton had just been rudely awakened from her nap and did not understand what the fuss was about. Her Papa carried her all over the mountain and she enjoyed it. We went to the Holy City, which is beautiful. I definitely have to read that part of the Bible and go back someday and hopefully it will make more sense. This time it was just pretty. And the wooden crosses are always moving to me. I definitely want to see the passion play here someday. I bet it is spectacular.

Sunday we went to the church that Jared and I attended Easter Sunday. I normally dislike this kind of church because it is so old fashioned and hard for me to understand sometimes, but after having conversation with Jared about churches I understand and respect this church. This particular Sunday the sermon reinforced Jared's side of the arguments we have had about things in the Bible. Turns out he was right. I asked for God to give me drive to want to read the Bible as I have trouble finding meaning in it, especially the beginning chapters. But I realized I can't share those stories with Peyton if I never read them.

Today I called Momma Laura and she is in Nebraska with all my brothers, except for Brandon. Shane might get to play football for them! I am so proud of those kids. I mean we come from some really messed up stuff in our childhood and to see us all make something of ourselves amazes me. And for Momma to be out and doing great and spending time with her boys. I love it and I am so happy for her. Although a little jealous. I would give anything to be there! But they are making plans to come down here and I can not wait! I love them! And for Jared and Peyton to meet them all. I would love it!

Tonight Jason and Jessica came down to visit. Jessica is pregnant so we talked all day and traded battle stories haha. And they asked us to be the baby's godparents. So sweet!She said we treat them like siblings so she knows we would treat the baby as our own! I love it!

And at the end of my day I got some kind words from someone unexpected. Really touched my heart and made me smile.

How I met your daddy.

Let's get one thing clear. I am not proud of this story. This is not the kind of story I hoped to one day tell my children. This is not how I planned to meet the love of my life. Maybe that's what I get for thinking I get to plan these sorts of things.

It was my 3rd ladies night...of the week. I just couldn't be in that house. I was tired of being alone and sitting right next to him. Ladies night was never as exciting as it I'm sure it sounded. Most nights it was me and Leslie sitting at a table at Zeke's drinking laughing talking having a good time. Occasionally after having a few I would sing karaoke or drag Leslie up to the dance floor to do a ridiculous line dance called the Cupid shuffle! We never really talked to anyone because well most guys in a bar are creepy.

Enter really cute boy who happened yo be sitting right behind me. Something in his voice instantly made me feel at ease. We joined them at their table. We had an amazing conversation and I told him I had a boyfriend so that if he was there to pick up girls he wouldn't waste his night on me. We continued our really easy flowing conversation. We had instant undeniable chemistry.

After leaving that night, he was all I could think about. I talked to him via MySpace a few times. We all met at the same bar a couple of weeks later. I told him I kind of knew I had to be with him. It was time to end my 4 year relationship. Leslie and I went to his house with him just to hang out more. He was locked out so he had to break in through the window. If anything makes you maybe question the guy you've been talking to breaking into a house through a window will do it. He even injured his forehead in an altercation with the mini blinds on his way in. We talked for a long while and still had the same spark. I am a very unsociable person generally. It is very hard for me to carry on even a simple hello hows the weather conversation. I simply dislike talking to most people its akward and uncomfortable for me. But somehow with him the conversation never felt forced. It was indescribable but the way I knew it was supposed to be.

As we said our goodbyes in his driveway, he leaned in and kissed me. And I didn't stop him. On the drive home I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. I definitely had to leave him, and now. I just kissed another boy. I was not this girl. I didn't do things like this. After barely sleeping all night and a tedious day at work. I came home and stopped him from kissing me and ended it. I couldn't kiss him after kissing someone else. He cried, I had done my 4 years of crying over him. I was already over it. It felt like a huge weight lifted off of me.

I should have spent the night staying in at my best friends house I had just moved into. But I didn't. We met him and his friends at a bar. I had to see him. Especially now that I could tell him how I really felt. And I did. And he did too, all of it. We were both already falling and neither of us could stop it.

My adventures in breastfeeding.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I had no idea what I was signing up for. From day one she had no idea how to latch. The lactation consultant pressured me into using a nipple shield with sugar water. It worked perfectly. I had no idea I was destroying any chance she had of nursing. When we took her home she had jaundice. She wasn't getting enough milk. I cried and cried as Jared took her in the other room and gave her a bottle of formula that she sucked down furiously. After taking a bottle she would no longer latch even to the nipple shield. I tried and tried until we were both in tears. I Googled everything I could. Only to learn that I had been set up for failure. A breastfeeding relationship is best established when before the baby is weighed and cleaned it is put skin to skin with the mothers chest and allowed the time it needs to latch. A baby will not starve. It will figure it out given an honest chance. Luckily I had a breast pump. So I pumped and I pumped. Every 2 hours day and night. Plus waking up to feed the baby. I was a zombie. After 12 weeks I was able to start every 3 hours and eventually every 4. I have been as many as 70 ounces ahead of her! Oh that was a wonderful time. Either a big growth spurt or my inability to pump as often while out of town caused me to be behind again. I have been supplementing a bottle of formula a day just to keep up. Some days I can make it without. Ibtried fenugreek and it worked great except it may or may not have been the culpritbof a mean diaper rash. So i stopped and will try again when it clears. I'm back to pumping every 2-3 hours. I do believe I'm the last zombie mom left. All of the others are feeding formula, adding cereal, or feeding solids too early. I'm exhausted. I want to cave in and give her something to make her sleep longer. She still wakes every 2 hours to eat. But I won't. I don't know where my drive comes from but its strong.I know that exclusive breastmilk or in my case I guess as close as I can get is what's best for her. I simply must continue. I don't judge anyone who does differently. This is just what I know is best for us. But I sure will be happy in a couple of weeks to feed her first solids and sleep a little longer at a time. Seems like a dream right now!