My dad.

The holidays are a hard time of year for me. It is always a reminder of the things I am so desperately missing in my life. A piece I have been missing forever is my dad. When I was a little girl, I was the biggest daddy's girl in the world. I thought he was the coolest person ever. But what I didn't know then all makes so such sense now. The awful smell on daddy's breathe, the late nights, all of the different girlfriends. Then he met Laura. I love Laura now she has cleaned up and is doing great. But back then my dad and her dipped into some horrible stuff that made them terrible people for a while. They did every drug I am pretty sure. I walked in on people shooting up in our bathroom. My dad would get violent with Laura, the cops were a staple at our house. Dad was always in and out of jail. But every time he got out he would go right back to it. We were so broke. I was told to steal from stores, I went door to door to collect money for "charity", we begged for food from our neighbors, all while our parents were selling our food stamps to get a fix. We begged churches for food, we would dumpster dive, we even picked receipts out of Mcdonalds trash cans to take to the manager and tell them our order was messed up, and we drove off with gas all the time. Once I won a bike from a church for bringing the most guests, my dad told me I had to pawn it to be able to buy the whole family food or my brothers and i would starve. So I did and he promised to buy it back, and he never did. My life is full of those promises, you'd think I would learn the pattern, but I never did, I always wanted to believe in my daddy. I would sit on my aunts porch for hours, even after I was told he wasn't going to make it, again, just hoping. Every single time he got out I fell for the never again promise. I am going to be a good dad to you and those boys, Ashley. Lies. Every single time...I believed. This last time was the hardest. It was the longest he had been locked up I believe. I really believed him. When he got out I was pregnant. He came to my baby shower, he was so nervous, but I just loved that my daddy was there! And sober! I was the happiest girl ever. And then a few days before I had the vs the got locked backup, but not for doing drugs, it was a parole violation or something. I had the baby and he called me when he got out a few weeks later and was going to come and meet my daughter. I was so excited for her to meet her grandpa. And then I don't hear from him for. A while. And I read on my aunts Facebook that he is on dope with some girl. Makes me sick. I don't know how to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive. Someone that I still love and care about, who just doesn't care. He only wants to get high. It's breaking my heart, all of my life he has been breaking my heart. The one man you are supposed to be able to trust. I hate it. I don't have a dad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Peyton doesn't have a grandpa on my side to be all of the things my grandpa was to me. The only things I have to remember my dad, letters and pictures sent from prison!! I don't have any more hope for him. He is as good as dead to me. Peyton will never know the heartbreak he has caused me. She will learn from his mistakes, as that is the only good lesson I ever learned from my dad is a long list of what not to do! And I will just carry on with this huge hole in my life I guess. I still hope one day he will sober up and be a better person. But for himself, I don't need him anymore, nor do the boys or anyone else. We have all found our way somehow. There is so much love and so much hate I have for him. I just have to let it all go though. And i do, only this time of year am I reminded of the dad I never really got to have.