A year of breastfeeding!

I made it to my first goal! I'm barely hanging on supply wise, so right now it's more half and half breast milk and formula, but she is a year old and still drinking mommy milk! And the first six months she was exclusively breastfed. I have relaxed a lot on my pumping schedule just for my sanity's sake, being up every 2-3 hours was a little absurd. So I usually don't get up over nifty anymore, and i pump every 3 hours when I am awake. It is so much easier this way. I can't wait until I am done because I am going to set this double electric personal pump on fire. Oh not really! I will pass it on to some other poor mother who has decided to torture herself. That pump is the most loved and hated material object in my house. I love that it gives me the chanc to do what I wanted to do for my daughter that I couldnt do myself. I hate it, well dairy cows only get milked twice a day I'm just saying. I love that we still have this little bond between us, I will be very sad when it's over I am sure. I want a trophy....a big one! And a cookie...please?

Old Navy bundle up bash!

I am a member of the Old Navy style council on Crowdtap. I had the pleasure of getting chosen to do the Old Navy bundle up bash in store party where my self and three of my friends got to try on clothes, snap lots of pictures, and take home a sweater, a pair of pants, and a winter accessory! I took my sister in law, and my best friend! I met my bestie at the mall a little early. We grabbed a soda and headed to Old Navy to check out the store. We were a little underwhelmed at the selection of sweaters at this particular store. All of the super cute ones were either on clearance or only available in extra small. I am sure it was mostly because we were shopping so close to the holiday season! They had some very cute sweaters to choose from still. The accessories were my favorite part! I decided on my accessory on my first time around the store, I had noticed this scarf on a mannequin, it was the last one in the whole store,it was beautiful! I had to have it! I asked the saleslady to get it for me, and she got her step ladder and got it down for me. I passed several ladies who were eying my scarf and one even checked the price tag while I was in line! I had to hold on tight to it! As for jeans I am a flare jeans kinda girl, always have been. You won't catch this girl in skinny jeans. They don't flatter me. But for some reason all the flares were on clearance! I was so bummed. Only slightly because it meant I couldn't get a pair eith my coupon, but mostly because....does this mean flares are out of style again!!? NOOOOOOO! My sister in law saved the day by offering to use one of her other old navy coupons to get the flares for me. I decided to try on the cords, and i loved them. I normally hate the way corduroys fit, but these are so flattering and comfortsble! And so soft and cozy too! My sweater was the hardest to decide upon! There were a lot of cute options, but some were clearance, and some were only in extra small. And i wasn't really a fan of the cropped sweater look, which narrowed it down a lot too. I'm a tall girl and cropped just doesn't look good on me. So on my bazillionth time through the store, I somehow found a table that I had somehow missed with the softest coziest turtleneck sweaters ever! And i spied two super cute pink ones on a bottom shelf hidden away, I snatched them up and took them to the dressing room! And this is the sweater all of us ended up getting! My sister in law and i got the pink ones, and my bestie got a white and brown flecked one. My sister in law got the trouser jeans, they were super cute on her! And my bestie got the skinny jeans to wear with her winter boots! And we all got scarves! They were just too cute and cozy!

This is Chelsea in a cute cardi and jeans, and Tara in a cropped sweater and her trouser jeans posing with he daughter Abigail and the mannequins!

And Myself in the turtleneck sweater I ended up with and some flare jeans I couldn't resist!

Chelsea in a cute cropped sweater and jeans with a bucket hat!

Tara in a cute cozy sweater and flares with the bucket hat!

Myself in a sequined cropped sweater and trouser jeans with the bucket hat!

All three of us! I am in the cute cropped fuchsia sweater and the flaw jeans my sister in law got for me and my amazingwonderfulawesome scarf! Tara in the sweater she ended up with with the scarf she ended up with and the jeans too! And Chelsea in the scarf and jeans she ended up with, and a cute cozy sweater!

This is my final outfit that i got with the coupon! I absolutle love the whole thing! The cords fit great and are so cozy! The sweater is so soft and warm! And the scarf! Ah, the scarf, I am in loves!

Tara in her final outfit! She loved the sweater and the scarf was super cute with it, and the trouser jeans looked great on her!

Chelsea striking a silly pose in what she thought was her final outfit. She loved the scarf, well almost as much as i loved mine! And the skinny jeans to go with her boots, but she grabbed the cozy turtleneck sweater on the way out instead of the cardi!

We all love our new clothes, and we had so much fun shopping together! Thank you again Old Navy and crowdtap!

My dad.

The holidays are a hard time of year for me. It is always a reminder of the things I am so desperately missing in my life. A piece I have been missing forever is my dad. When I was a little girl, I was the biggest daddy's girl in the world. I thought he was the coolest person ever. But what I didn't know then all makes so such sense now. The awful smell on daddy's breathe, the late nights, all of the different girlfriends. Then he met Laura. I love Laura now she has cleaned up and is doing great. But back then my dad and her dipped into some horrible stuff that made them terrible people for a while. They did every drug I am pretty sure. I walked in on people shooting up in our bathroom. My dad would get violent with Laura, the cops were a staple at our house. Dad was always in and out of jail. But every time he got out he would go right back to it. We were so broke. I was told to steal from stores, I went door to door to collect money for "charity", we begged for food from our neighbors, all while our parents were selling our food stamps to get a fix. We begged churches for food, we would dumpster dive, we even picked receipts out of Mcdonalds trash cans to take to the manager and tell them our order was messed up, and we drove off with gas all the time. Once I won a bike from a church for bringing the most guests, my dad told me I had to pawn it to be able to buy the whole family food or my brothers and i would starve. So I did and he promised to buy it back, and he never did. My life is full of those promises, you'd think I would learn the pattern, but I never did, I always wanted to believe in my daddy. I would sit on my aunts porch for hours, even after I was told he wasn't going to make it, again, just hoping. Every single time he got out I fell for the never again promise. I am going to be a good dad to you and those boys, Ashley. Lies. Every single time...I believed. This last time was the hardest. It was the longest he had been locked up I believe. I really believed him. When he got out I was pregnant. He came to my baby shower, he was so nervous, but I just loved that my daddy was there! And sober! I was the happiest girl ever. And then a few days before I had the vs the got locked backup, but not for doing drugs, it was a parole violation or something. I had the baby and he called me when he got out a few weeks later and was going to come and meet my daughter. I was so excited for her to meet her grandpa. And then I don't hear from him for. A while. And I read on my aunts Facebook that he is on dope with some girl. Makes me sick. I don't know how to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive. Someone that I still love and care about, who just doesn't care. He only wants to get high. It's breaking my heart, all of my life he has been breaking my heart. The one man you are supposed to be able to trust. I hate it. I don't have a dad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Peyton doesn't have a grandpa on my side to be all of the things my grandpa was to me. The only things I have to remember my dad, letters and pictures sent from prison!! I don't have any more hope for him. He is as good as dead to me. Peyton will never know the heartbreak he has caused me. She will learn from his mistakes, as that is the only good lesson I ever learned from my dad is a long list of what not to do! And I will just carry on with this huge hole in my life I guess. I still hope one day he will sober up and be a better person. But for himself, I don't need him anymore, nor do the boys or anyone else. We have all found our way somehow. There is so much love and so much hate I have for him. I just have to let it all go though. And i do, only this time of year am I reminded of the dad I never really got to have.