A year of breastfeeding!

I made it to my first goal! I'm barely hanging on supply wise, so right now it's more half and half breast milk and formula, but she is a year old and still drinking mommy milk! And the first six months she was exclusively breastfed. I have relaxed a lot on my pumping schedule just for my sanity's sake, being up every 2-3 hours was a little absurd. So I usually don't get up over nifty anymore, and i pump every 3 hours when I am awake. It is so much easier this way. I can't wait until I am done because I am going to set this double electric personal pump on fire. Oh not really! I will pass it on to some other poor mother who has decided to torture herself. That pump is the most loved and hated material object in my house. I love that it gives me the chanc to do what I wanted to do for my daughter that I couldnt do myself. I hate it, well dairy cows only get milked twice a day I'm just saying. I love that we still have this little bond between us, I will be very sad when it's over I am sure. I want a trophy....a big one! And a cookie...please?

Old Navy bundle up bash!

I am a member of the Old Navy style council on Crowdtap. I had the pleasure of getting chosen to do the Old Navy bundle up bash in store party where my self and three of my friends got to try on clothes, snap lots of pictures, and take home a sweater, a pair of pants, and a winter accessory! I took my sister in law, and my best friend! I met my bestie at the mall a little early. We grabbed a soda and headed to Old Navy to check out the store. We were a little underwhelmed at the selection of sweaters at this particular store. All of the super cute ones were either on clearance or only available in extra small. I am sure it was mostly because we were shopping so close to the holiday season! They had some very cute sweaters to choose from still. The accessories were my favorite part! I decided on my accessory on my first time around the store, I had noticed this scarf on a mannequin, it was the last one in the whole store,it was beautiful! I had to have it! I asked the saleslady to get it for me, and she got her step ladder and got it down for me. I passed several ladies who were eying my scarf and one even checked the price tag while I was in line! I had to hold on tight to it! As for jeans I am a flare jeans kinda girl, always have been. You won't catch this girl in skinny jeans. They don't flatter me. But for some reason all the flares were on clearance! I was so bummed. Only slightly because it meant I couldn't get a pair eith my coupon, but mostly because....does this mean flares are out of style again!!? NOOOOOOO! My sister in law saved the day by offering to use one of her other old navy coupons to get the flares for me. I decided to try on the cords, and i loved them. I normally hate the way corduroys fit, but these are so flattering and comfortsble! And so soft and cozy too! My sweater was the hardest to decide upon! There were a lot of cute options, but some were clearance, and some were only in extra small. And i wasn't really a fan of the cropped sweater look, which narrowed it down a lot too. I'm a tall girl and cropped just doesn't look good on me. So on my bazillionth time through the store, I somehow found a table that I had somehow missed with the softest coziest turtleneck sweaters ever! And i spied two super cute pink ones on a bottom shelf hidden away, I snatched them up and took them to the dressing room! And this is the sweater all of us ended up getting! My sister in law and i got the pink ones, and my bestie got a white and brown flecked one. My sister in law got the trouser jeans, they were super cute on her! And my bestie got the skinny jeans to wear with her winter boots! And we all got scarves! They were just too cute and cozy!

This is Chelsea in a cute cardi and jeans, and Tara in a cropped sweater and her trouser jeans posing with he daughter Abigail and the mannequins!

And Myself in the turtleneck sweater I ended up with and some flare jeans I couldn't resist!

Chelsea in a cute cropped sweater and jeans with a bucket hat!

Tara in a cute cozy sweater and flares with the bucket hat!

Myself in a sequined cropped sweater and trouser jeans with the bucket hat!

All three of us! I am in the cute cropped fuchsia sweater and the flaw jeans my sister in law got for me and my amazingwonderfulawesome scarf! Tara in the sweater she ended up with with the scarf she ended up with and the jeans too! And Chelsea in the scarf and jeans she ended up with, and a cute cozy sweater!

This is my final outfit that i got with the coupon! I absolutle love the whole thing! The cords fit great and are so cozy! The sweater is so soft and warm! And the scarf! Ah, the scarf, I am in loves!

Tara in her final outfit! She loved the sweater and the scarf was super cute with it, and the trouser jeans looked great on her!

Chelsea striking a silly pose in what she thought was her final outfit. She loved the scarf, well almost as much as i loved mine! And the skinny jeans to go with her boots, but she grabbed the cozy turtleneck sweater on the way out instead of the cardi!

We all love our new clothes, and we had so much fun shopping together! Thank you again Old Navy and crowdtap!

My dad.

The holidays are a hard time of year for me. It is always a reminder of the things I am so desperately missing in my life. A piece I have been missing forever is my dad. When I was a little girl, I was the biggest daddy's girl in the world. I thought he was the coolest person ever. But what I didn't know then all makes so such sense now. The awful smell on daddy's breathe, the late nights, all of the different girlfriends. Then he met Laura. I love Laura now she has cleaned up and is doing great. But back then my dad and her dipped into some horrible stuff that made them terrible people for a while. They did every drug I am pretty sure. I walked in on people shooting up in our bathroom. My dad would get violent with Laura, the cops were a staple at our house. Dad was always in and out of jail. But every time he got out he would go right back to it. We were so broke. I was told to steal from stores, I went door to door to collect money for "charity", we begged for food from our neighbors, all while our parents were selling our food stamps to get a fix. We begged churches for food, we would dumpster dive, we even picked receipts out of Mcdonalds trash cans to take to the manager and tell them our order was messed up, and we drove off with gas all the time. Once I won a bike from a church for bringing the most guests, my dad told me I had to pawn it to be able to buy the whole family food or my brothers and i would starve. So I did and he promised to buy it back, and he never did. My life is full of those promises, you'd think I would learn the pattern, but I never did, I always wanted to believe in my daddy. I would sit on my aunts porch for hours, even after I was told he wasn't going to make it, again, just hoping. Every single time he got out I fell for the never again promise. I am going to be a good dad to you and those boys, Ashley. Lies. Every single time...I believed. This last time was the hardest. It was the longest he had been locked up I believe. I really believed him. When he got out I was pregnant. He came to my baby shower, he was so nervous, but I just loved that my daddy was there! And sober! I was the happiest girl ever. And then a few days before I had the vs the got locked backup, but not for doing drugs, it was a parole violation or something. I had the baby and he called me when he got out a few weeks later and was going to come and meet my daughter. I was so excited for her to meet her grandpa. And then I don't hear from him for. A while. And I read on my aunts Facebook that he is on dope with some girl. Makes me sick. I don't know how to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive. Someone that I still love and care about, who just doesn't care. He only wants to get high. It's breaking my heart, all of my life he has been breaking my heart. The one man you are supposed to be able to trust. I hate it. I don't have a dad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Peyton doesn't have a grandpa on my side to be all of the things my grandpa was to me. The only things I have to remember my dad, letters and pictures sent from prison!! I don't have any more hope for him. He is as good as dead to me. Peyton will never know the heartbreak he has caused me. She will learn from his mistakes, as that is the only good lesson I ever learned from my dad is a long list of what not to do! And I will just carry on with this huge hole in my life I guess. I still hope one day he will sober up and be a better person. But for himself, I don't need him anymore, nor do the boys or anyone else. We have all found our way somehow. There is so much love and so much hate I have for him. I just have to let it all go though. And i do, only this time of year am I reminded of the dad I never really got to have.

My little family

I love them both. More than I ever dreamed possible. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and the most amazing man in all the world. He loves me. And I never have to doubt it for a second. He makes sure I know. He makes me feel beautiful. I have never been jealous for a second because I don't have to be. He is mine. I know this is forever and I can not wait to be his wife. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile even when I don't want to. He is a man of God, and when I'm a little lost in my walk with God, I can always count on him to help me. He is beautiful with our daughter. He sings songs to her, plays daddy games, and makes her laugh. It is so great to watch. He is the best daddy in all the world, and I am so glad he is my Peyton's. She is the little puzzle piece that I never thought fit in my life, that suddenly completed the whole thing. She makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. I love her so much. She makes me smile with all of her beautiful cuteness. She is the sweetest loving baby ever. She gives hugs and kisses. She has to hold her mommy mostly all day! She naps on me in our rocker and she is the coziest little thing ever! I can and absolutely can not wait for the future now. I am treasuring every single little moment, I love her babyness. But I am so excited for all of the things that we will do together as a family. It makes me cry because I never had any of this. But I will show her what the most loving mommy in the world is like even though I have never known such a thing. She is so beautiful and so perfect and all of my dreams come to life. They together are more than i could ever ask for. I am so blessed to call them mine.

How I get freebies and make money online!

I am always being asked this, especially after an awesome score! I am sure I drive my mailman crazy! I get something almost everyday! I have 10 or so magazine subscriptions I get for free ( don't worry I recycle them!)I have bunches of trial size samples and even quite a few full size products! I am a member of the old navy style council, and have twice been given free clothes for myself and friends! And I never buy diapers, I do surveys to pay for them, and usually even have a little spending money after! I have went through all of the scams, so now you don't have to! I have wasted hours on survey companies that pay squat, or give you points that add up to nothing. And signed up for countless freebies, only to get bookoos of junk mail and no freebies. This is my list of things that work! I know because i use them daily!

MTurk- Www.mturk.com- This site is run by amazon and has tons of tasks you can do to earn
money. The secret is to finding tasks that are worth your time. It is not worth spending 30 minutes to earn 10 cents. I do a search for "survey" that pays over ".50" that I am qualified for. This narrows the results greatly! Now I still won't spend more than 15 minutes on a 50 cent survey, it is just not worth it to me. Be sure to read the descriptions, they tell you how long each survey is. There are busy days, and there are slow days. And the really good paying easy surveys get snatched up really fast. So I check several times a day to see if anything new is in. I make anywhere from $2 to $10 a day on this site. After you have been a member for 10 days ( I think?) you can cash out at any point, no matter what your balance is. I turn all of my payouts into Amazon gift cards. You can get a check as well, but it takes longer. I also am an Amazon mom, so I save 20 % on diapers by doing the subscribe and save option, and then just delaying the deliveries until I need them. I also wait until there is a coupon on Amazon for Huggies. So the box that costs $37 I usually end up getting for $23 delivered to my door for free!

Crowdtap- http://bit.ly/iS9wVk- This is a referral link, it is still in beta and is invite only right now! I have been a member for a few months, I am fairly active, and today I just cashed out $11.50 in Amazon gift cards, and I am fixing to host my second Old Navy sample share with 3 friends! My first sample share I got an activewear outfit for free, and another outfit for a friend. This time I get to take 3 friends, and I am not sure what we are getting yet as I haven't received my coupons yet, but I am sure it will be great! You can win a lot more money by being super active in the discussions and giving thoughtful responses. Also I have applications in to host a The Smurfs DVD party, and ABBA Just Dance Wii game party, so fingers crossed for even more freebies! Crowdtap is really fun to me, I love it!

Free Stuff Times and Hunt4Freebies - these are both websites that list all available freebies. There are tons of goodies there. Also if you want the really great freebies that only go to a limited number of people, follow them both on Facebook! Their updates will appear in your news feed, they update as soon as a freebie is released, so you have a great chance of getting it! This is where I get all of my samples and my magazines!

Paidviewpoint-http://paidviewpoint.com/?r=wl28sf - this is one I just started. It is new so it really slow, but if it ever picks up I think it will be great. I've been a member for 3 days and I have 1.76 in my bank. You cash out via Paypal at $15. Seems like it may take me a while to get there. But it is super easy and not time consuming.

Beautifulnweather!

What a great week this is going to be! Jared finally left his job, and he is starting at toyota on Monday, if he doesn't land a great massage job before then! We are coming to Oklahoma city to visit family on Thursday and Friday. And we get to go to church on Sunday, and every Sunday from here on since car lots are closed Sunday! I am very excited, and we are going to go to a few churches here in Lawton ad try to find one that fits us as a family. We are thinking of moving into an apartment, really just because of safety issues here in Lawton. There is a lot of gang activity, and I have horrible anxiety about someone breaking in. So we want to move out to the edge of town where nothing really happens. We decided we don't want to own a house here so there is no point in living in a house unless we want to buy it. Too much responsibility and money just for nothing.

I am loving being a mommy! We went to the park today and it was so much fun! Peyton loved swinging as high as she could and going down the slides in mommy's lap! She is so adorable. She dances and claps and talks all day. And she just learned to crawl...so she is all over the place. She is getting so big so fast. I love spending all day with her. I am sill having a hard time making friends here. I have always had a hard time making friends though. I have a hard time talking to people I hardly know. I am very shy. But I really have to try harder so Peyton can have some baby friends! Of course having my license and car would help, so we have to work on that too. I finally started to lose my baby weight! But then my milk supply dropped, so I had to quit working out. So sad I was making great progress. Once my supply comes back I'm going to try again just at a much slower pace than I wanted.

Well the weather is beautiful this week! We are going to the free county fair tomorrow, and hopefully spending a lot of time outside. I love this weather!

Possibility

So we got some possibly amazing news tonight. Jared absolutely hates his job here. He has been so miserable. We both hate being so far away from everyone.  And I really dislike this place pretty strongly.

Jared's friend may be able to get him a job where he would make more money and work less as a whole and we could move back home! The absolute only 2 downsides are that he will be working a dangerous job and he will be gone 3 weeks at a time to be home 3 weeks at a time. I really will miss him like crazy for 3 weeks! But having him home 3 solid weeks will be amazing! Peyton will actually get to spend time with her daddy other than a kiss good morning and a kiss good night and seeing him one day a week. I will get to see him more, and see him happyvwhich makes me happy. Ah I so hope he gets it!!! The three weeks wouldn't be as bad either because we would live by family and friends that could visit!!!

My struggle with Post partum depression and anxiety.

Having a baby is a beautiful time. Your doctors warn you about PPD and you think how on earth will I be able to be depressed when I will have such a cute baby? I got to hold my cute baby. I was exhausted, in pain, and kind of crazy feeling from the medications I was on. Most of the time at the hospital she spent with Jared. We took her home. I still felt just horrible. Peyton had jaundice so we had to keep her in a suitcase with lights on our coffee table. All I could do all day was stare at her and cry and wish I could hold her. Then our breastfeeding hit a brick wall, I just wasn't making enough and we had to get rid of the jaundice. Jared took her in the other room and she sucked down a bottle of formula while I cried in the living room. I hated being a mom. I wasn't even good at it, I couldn't even supply her with food and she was sick and I felt like it was all my fault. And Jared didn't understand what the big del was, it was just formula.

After that struggle was over it was on to the next. Peyton would cry for hours at night. Mostly stomach problems that I couldn't do anything to help. I would just cry with her. I was so severely sleep deprived. I was sad, I was angry I just needed a nap. And on top of having a new baby we were having financial problems. Most of my pregnancy we were broke, like thisclose to starving broke. Things were still very tight while we waited for salary to start. All of this and packing to move...and not even knowing where. I was under so much pressure I thought I would explode. Instead I kept it all in not wanting to stress Jared as I knew he had a lot on his plate too. And I had to keep a brave face for Peyton.

It was a very dark and lonely time. My pride and assumptions that all of these feelings were normal kept me from reaching out. I really wish I had. The effect that even having someone to talk to would have had. I now have to look back on what should have been a wonderful time, as a terrible time filled with sadness and stress.

Once we moved and a lot of the stress was taken away, my depression seemed to fade away. However it had turned into a severe anxiety. I worried constantly about SIDS, someone breaking in, crazy almost impossible catastrophes and feared impending death. I couldn't sleep, I hardly ate. As soon as the sun went down I was a different person. Every sound made me anxious. My stomach would be in a knot until Jared made it home. I was terrified to even leave the living room until he got home. Once it was bed time, I could never sleep. If I wasn't checking Peyton's breathing I was listening, looking at the crack of light in the door just imagining the worst. When i did sleep it had to be facing the door, just in case i thought. When i got up in the middle of the night i would be terrified.i was Driving myself completely mad.
I have prayed about my anxiety for a few weeks mow. And I am relieved to said, the last 3 nights I have slept(besides the baby of course) great. I am no longer intensely worried and crazy feeling.

I wanted to share my story so others don't feel alone. I know I truly believed I was alone in these feelings and that I was supposed to be happy and that something was wrong with me. Just reach out for help....a doctor, family member, or a friend. Just talk to someone and don't let it take over what is supposed to be a special time. It is hard to admit that you need help and it is so much easier to just think you can wait it out. But this disorder can be dangerous and even deadly if left untreated. Reach out, ask for help. Do it for your baby. Do it for yourself.

Things no one tells you about being a mom

There are things about being a mommy that no one tells you about.
The weeks of feeling like you were run over by a semi.
The 2 am I-have-no-idea-why-this-kid-won't-stop-screaming-so-I'm-just-going-to-lay-down-and-cry-with-her.
The realization that you may never have the time to shave both of your legs in full again.
The 4 am ridiculous daddy sneeze that scares the hee-bee jee-bees out of baby so you have to rock
her for 30 minutes before she's convinced the world will carry on after all.
The proud sense of accomplishment when you suck a giant booger out using that little blue bulb. How very cranky you will be when they wake you up early in the morning and how quickly it disappears when you see the big smile on her face.
How many outfits they go through a day.
How many outfits you go through a day.
The different colors and consistencies of poop you will google.
How rocking your baby medium paced in your arms in the bathroom in front of the mirror with the blowdryer on high and the water running can quiet a fussy baby.
The heartbreak you will experience when they have to get shots.
It will now take you at least an extra hour to leave the house.
Baby socks? Don't bother.
How hilarious baby farts are.
And of course, how much you will love your baby,it's unreal.

Me time

Me time. These days it's what I call a shower. And it's best if I wait until daddy gets home to take it. For some reason me being in a shower causes Peyton to have an emotional breakdown. I end up with one shaved leg, soap on my arm, soapy hair, sopping wet trying to comfort her. Its a mess. But on the days that I wait, it is the most relaxing 20 minutes of my life. Today... I sstill have conditioner in my hair.

What a few days!

What a day...or a few days rather. The in laws came up on Saturday. I love when they come to visit! His family has taken me as their own and I love them for it. Jared went to work while we went to Mount Scott. I had only been to Mount Scott once before. With my grandparents and Robbie. So being there was slightly painful just because of the memories. I do remember being terrified on the drive up, as I was this time. Its so scary to look over the edge...in a car. Jacob and Jack, Jared's little brothers loved it. It was adorable. Peyton had just been rudely awakened from her nap and did not understand what the fuss was about. Her Papa carried her all over the mountain and she enjoyed it. We went to the Holy City, which is beautiful. I definitely have to read that part of the Bible and go back someday and hopefully it will make more sense. This time it was just pretty. And the wooden crosses are always moving to me. I definitely want to see the passion play here someday. I bet it is spectacular.

Sunday we went to the church that Jared and I attended Easter Sunday. I normally dislike this kind of church because it is so old fashioned and hard for me to understand sometimes, but after having conversation with Jared about churches I understand and respect this church. This particular Sunday the sermon reinforced Jared's side of the arguments we have had about things in the Bible. Turns out he was right. I asked for God to give me drive to want to read the Bible as I have trouble finding meaning in it, especially the beginning chapters. But I realized I can't share those stories with Peyton if I never read them.

Today I called Momma Laura and she is in Nebraska with all my brothers, except for Brandon. Shane might get to play football for them! I am so proud of those kids. I mean we come from some really messed up stuff in our childhood and to see us all make something of ourselves amazes me. And for Momma to be out and doing great and spending time with her boys. I love it and I am so happy for her. Although a little jealous. I would give anything to be there! But they are making plans to come down here and I can not wait! I love them! And for Jared and Peyton to meet them all. I would love it!

Tonight Jason and Jessica came down to visit. Jessica is pregnant so we talked all day and traded battle stories haha. And they asked us to be the baby's godparents. So sweet!She said we treat them like siblings so she knows we would treat the baby as our own! I love it!

And at the end of my day I got some kind words from someone unexpected. Really touched my heart and made me smile.

How I met your daddy.

Let's get one thing clear. I am not proud of this story. This is not the kind of story I hoped to one day tell my children. This is not how I planned to meet the love of my life. Maybe that's what I get for thinking I get to plan these sorts of things.

It was my 3rd ladies night...of the week. I just couldn't be in that house. I was tired of being alone and sitting right next to him. Ladies night was never as exciting as it I'm sure it sounded. Most nights it was me and Leslie sitting at a table at Zeke's drinking laughing talking having a good time. Occasionally after having a few I would sing karaoke or drag Leslie up to the dance floor to do a ridiculous line dance called the Cupid shuffle! We never really talked to anyone because well most guys in a bar are creepy.

Enter really cute boy who happened yo be sitting right behind me. Something in his voice instantly made me feel at ease. We joined them at their table. We had an amazing conversation and I told him I had a boyfriend so that if he was there to pick up girls he wouldn't waste his night on me. We continued our really easy flowing conversation. We had instant undeniable chemistry.

After leaving that night, he was all I could think about. I talked to him via MySpace a few times. We all met at the same bar a couple of weeks later. I told him I kind of knew I had to be with him. It was time to end my 4 year relationship. Leslie and I went to his house with him just to hang out more. He was locked out so he had to break in through the window. If anything makes you maybe question the guy you've been talking to breaking into a house through a window will do it. He even injured his forehead in an altercation with the mini blinds on his way in. We talked for a long while and still had the same spark. I am a very unsociable person generally. It is very hard for me to carry on even a simple hello hows the weather conversation. I simply dislike talking to most people its akward and uncomfortable for me. But somehow with him the conversation never felt forced. It was indescribable but the way I knew it was supposed to be.

As we said our goodbyes in his driveway, he leaned in and kissed me. And I didn't stop him. On the drive home I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. I definitely had to leave him, and now. I just kissed another boy. I was not this girl. I didn't do things like this. After barely sleeping all night and a tedious day at work. I came home and stopped him from kissing me and ended it. I couldn't kiss him after kissing someone else. He cried, I had done my 4 years of crying over him. I was already over it. It felt like a huge weight lifted off of me.

I should have spent the night staying in at my best friends house I had just moved into. But I didn't. We met him and his friends at a bar. I had to see him. Especially now that I could tell him how I really felt. And I did. And he did too, all of it. We were both already falling and neither of us could stop it.

My adventures in breastfeeding.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I had no idea what I was signing up for. From day one she had no idea how to latch. The lactation consultant pressured me into using a nipple shield with sugar water. It worked perfectly. I had no idea I was destroying any chance she had of nursing. When we took her home she had jaundice. She wasn't getting enough milk. I cried and cried as Jared took her in the other room and gave her a bottle of formula that she sucked down furiously. After taking a bottle she would no longer latch even to the nipple shield. I tried and tried until we were both in tears. I Googled everything I could. Only to learn that I had been set up for failure. A breastfeeding relationship is best established when before the baby is weighed and cleaned it is put skin to skin with the mothers chest and allowed the time it needs to latch. A baby will not starve. It will figure it out given an honest chance. Luckily I had a breast pump. So I pumped and I pumped. Every 2 hours day and night. Plus waking up to feed the baby. I was a zombie. After 12 weeks I was able to start every 3 hours and eventually every 4. I have been as many as 70 ounces ahead of her! Oh that was a wonderful time. Either a big growth spurt or my inability to pump as often while out of town caused me to be behind again. I have been supplementing a bottle of formula a day just to keep up. Some days I can make it without. Ibtried fenugreek and it worked great except it may or may not have been the culpritbof a mean diaper rash. So i stopped and will try again when it clears. I'm back to pumping every 2-3 hours. I do believe I'm the last zombie mom left. All of the others are feeding formula, adding cereal, or feeding solids too early. I'm exhausted. I want to cave in and give her something to make her sleep longer. She still wakes every 2 hours to eat. But I won't. I don't know where my drive comes from but its strong.I know that exclusive breastmilk or in my case I guess as close as I can get is what's best for her. I simply must continue. I don't judge anyone who does differently. This is just what I know is best for us. But I sure will be happy in a couple of weeks to feed her first solids and sleep a little longer at a time. Seems like a dream right now!

My birth story.

We had both finally gotten over our disappointment of not being able to have a baby. I had always been told I wouldn't be able to. I always had wacky cycles so I thought nothing of it when I skipped 2 months. But then I started getting sleepy and nauseous. I made him buy me a test and I took it. I came out and told him he needed to go buy me another test. It was positive and that wasn't possible. I was already 2 months pregnant.

In July we had our first doctors visit and we heard the heartbeat. Our hearts melted. The next appointment we found out it was a girl! I felt her kick soon after that. Most amazing indescribable feeling ever. I had a very easy pregnancy healthwise. Emotion wise I was a mess! We were so broke. Jared had no clients and my job wasn't paying the bills alone. We almost starved countless times. Jared donated plasma constantly. It was a scary time. But with help of family and friends we made it through.

She was due December 24th. The Sunday before her due date I woke up at 2 am with my first painful contractions. I stayed up 3 hours in horrible pain really thinking I was in labor. I had the idea I wanted to labor mostly at home. The hospital was 5 minutes away and I was comfortable there. The contractions went away. I spent the next week having horrible contractions. I walked, I took flights of stairs, I prayed for this baby to cone out already! I was miserable.

Christmas day we were planning on going to visit family. I woke up with light contractions. We had breakfast, they got worse. I went for a walk to see if they were real. We decided to go in. No one was at the hospital. While trying to find where to check in we got trapped in a room with an automatic door and another door that was locked. I panicked. I was going to give birth in this room, I knew it. Miraculously someone came through the locked door and we escaped.

We were checked in and the nurses decided to keep me. I hate needles. Somehow I made it through the IV and the epidural...seriously I have no idea how. I talked with Jared and his brother and his wife and my grandma all through my labor. Thank you epidural. Jared and I even took a nap 2 hours before she arrived. Seriously get that epidural ladies! Finally the time came. I pushed and pushed and screamed at Jared to feed me ice chips until I could push no more. The doctor prepared to have to do an episiotomy. And then I threw up from eating so much ice. And everyone started freaking out saying keep going! So I dry heaved and ta-da! Baby Peyton arrived after 20 hours of (really not that bad at all) labor.

To blog.

I have blogged since I was 16. I think I started on opendiary.com. I've never been very good at it but I still love it. Just throw your thoughts out to the entire universe and see what happens. After opendiary I had a livejournal and then a MySpace. Thankfully none of these blogs exist anymore. My entire teenage life I broadcasted to the world. I'm not sure that was very smart. But here I am again baring my thoughts to a universe that I'm not really even sure is listening. I just love writing. There is something therapeutic about it.

And we will begin with where I am now. My life is perfect to me the way it is right now. If I could stop and replay a moment forever it would be this moment. The last five months have been the greatest of my life. My Daughter is five months old. She is perfect and wonderful and all of my heart. The pieces she hasn't stolen belong to her daddy. He is the greatest man alive and sorry girls hes all mine. He is a man of God which is the number one trait in a man in my eyes. He is funny, charismatic, handsome, and loving. He is my best friend and my best relationship by a long shot. He works hard at a job he hates so that I can stay home with Peyton. I love him and I can't wait to marry him. My family life was well non existant growing up. So this is my first real chance at a family. I love it. I finally found where I belong and for once my heart feels whole.